cinnnamon baby bread

I dreamed last night that I was holding a woman's new born baby in my hands. Except this is how it looked. It was inside of a piece of cinnamon bread, swirrled from the center to the outside edges, with the baby's head in the middle. It fit in the palm of my hand. The baby's body was very delicately packed into the swirl of the bread and I tried to unpack the baby for the lady, but it was hard to not break the baby. Then I kept misplacing the baby - it was so tiny. I had to search for it 2 different time. I felt like a horrible person. The woman never got mad at me, she just kept crying because the doctor told her the baby would probably die soon. I thought "I have lost the dying baby."

The Worm Speaks: part 1

In the night of the confusing life, I am a worm. I wriggle in the mounds of my firtle poop, the dirt. I cannot claim the ripe tomatoes, or the trees, for I have no eyes to see them, but I am one of the great mothers of life. The other mothers will become known to you in time.

Boot

I'm a boot, I know this in my heart. I am angry, full of dark energy. The difference between sadness and anger? Energy. Sadness is low energy. Anger is high energy. It's the difference between being content and joyfullness. Every emotion is an imagination. I wish I was not a human being. I suck at being a human being.

banana time

Time flies like an arrow,
Fruit flies like a banana.

On the brink of Doom!

Every time I hear the word doom I think of Invader Zimm and Gir. I can hear Gir giggling in my head as I stand on the brink of doom.

My life is in an insane limbo right now. In the future I wonder if I will look back fondly on this time, or repeatedly pound my head against the wall and say "why, why, why?! you stupid, stupid, stupid girl"

One of my sweetest memories is of a valentine's day I spent alone. I stayed awake all night, wandering the empty roads and sidewalks of the campus and the city. I felt no fear. I climbed up onto the roof of the chemistry building. I sat by the turtle pond at 3 in the morning. I felt lonely and whistful and hopeful and wonderfully alive. At the end of the night, in the wee hours, I went to metro and played a game of chess with 2 bums. We all sucked at chess, but they thought I was really good at chess because they were really bad. They gave me a rock as my victory prize. Then, the night got exciting. A girl with fantastic dreds, a big colorful dress, and fierce green eyes walked into metro and started yelling at the bums. She said that she had been waiting for them for hours. The bums, being hippies tried to calm her down "sorry, man, really, i'm so sorry... we were just playing chess man" Then all 3 of them left together. I sat alone for awhile, the only person left at metro. Then rubin walked in. Then patrick walked in. I love running into friends, and at such an unlikely place and time, after such a weird night, it felt great to see familiar faces.

I went home with my rock as the sun came up. I was alone, I was tired, and I was happy. The end.

My Current State

Well..... my hair is growing longer and the days are getting shorter, the times they are a'changing. I am looking at my hands typing at the keyboard, and they really do look like monkey hands and monkey arms. When I was little I thought I was a prophet. I felt so close to God. Then, as I grew older, I realized I was not a prophet. I wanted to be an astronaut. For a while I wanted to be a truck driver. Then when I was about 14 I think, I read a book by Richard Feynman and fell in love with physicists and so I decided to be a physicist. Then I realized my heart was really in the stars so I bought a 500 dollar telescope with the first 500 dollars I ever earned. I didn't go shopping for cute clothes. I didn't save up for a car. I bought a freakin telescope. Then I went to college, and I thought college would be like fairyland. I met some fairies but it was not fairyland and I wasn't like Heisenberg or Dyson or Feynman. I got a C in Waves and Optics. I thought in college I would be free from everything. From parental control, religious restrictions, teenage angst, loneliness, scattered brain syndrome, and everything else that bothered me all my life. Then I changed majors to biology. Biology was ridiculously painful for me. I hated memorizing parts of cells and about cells having sex. And here I am. A horny chemist.

The world is large and in every square inch of it there are thousands and thousands of details that you constantly miss when you get lost in yourself. I was walking up Dean Keaton late at night all alone one time when I thought about that. I tried to clear my mind and just let in the amazing world.

My life is changing fast all around me. I am scared and happy and sad and terrified and worried. And as usual, I am unsure. I made a decision to be decisive about a year ago because I have been plagued for too long with wobbly brained thinking. The last 3 times I went out to eat I ordered my food before anyone else. I am improving.

I almost went to graduate school at UT. But I had already changed my mind about 4 times, trying to decide between UT and Rice. When I finally settled on UT, I emailed my 2 professors in chemistry who like me and one asked why and I said something like "well I dunno, I like it here" and he said "Amazing." Period. Amazing how flipant your thought process.

Flipant I am not. Weak I am. Pulled in many directions, diretionless.

Every pavement of every path is paved in something unpleasant. What I fail to do is walk down the muckiest path to the loveliest end. I chose the easier paths. My heart and my mind are not satisfied. But here I am.