Not dead yet

I had a dream last night that I almost died. I was speeding in a car on the highway at night and I was all alone. I floored the gas pedal as I went up one of those ramps that goes really high in the air and takes you to another highway. As the ramp curved and went higher it looked like I would barely make it. I pressed the brake as much as I dared and held my breath hoping it would be a close shave. Maybe it will be a close shave, dear god please let it be a close shave, but it wasn't - I lost control, the car rammed into the cement side rail, and broke through it and flew into the air, I was tumbling through the air towards the highway below. I thought "This is real, this is it, I'm going to die, this isn't a dream, this is real, I screwed up. I didn't make it." My car would crash into the traffic below and maybe it would burn up in flames. I felt guilty and sad. My parents wasted their time raising me. The last thing I said before I woke up was "I love you, i love you, i love you." In my dream my eyes were closed, and it was like a prayer. Maybe if I love life enough I won't die. Then my eyes opened and I realized I was in my room. I was not flying through the air in a car. I am not dead yet. Yippee!

Purity is the opposite of integrity

"Purity is the opposite of integrity - the cruelest thing you can do to a person is make her ashamed of her own complexity. The stories of our lives have no morals. Any single conclusion drawn would be false; the episodes, taken together, are untranslatable, incomparable. If we are to conclude at all, we can only conclude against conclusions."
(from CrimethInc)

The Darkness in my heart was born of a thousand mothers

One time, I was feeling really sad, and so I tried to write the saddest poem I could write, because sometimes that makes me feel better. It was the day before my period. The entire day, everything I saw and did and felt confirmed that I should be sad, that the world is a terrible place, and that there is no reason for happiness. For example, I drank coffee and ate a delicious strawberry and cream cheese pastry and the air outside was beautiful and it made me sad. Does that make sense? No. Not at all. But I saw how fleeting the food was, how easily the coffee disappeared, how I bought myself breakfast - a treat because I usually don't eat out for breakfast - and then it was gone, I was no happier than before, I was hopped up on coffee and sugar, my life is useless, I am just a consumer, I am not in touch with any greater force, I don't see god anywhere, happiness is for the deluded, the drugged, the intoxicated. The next day I got my period and started feeling better. The same things I saw and felt the day before seemed brighter and happier. I laughed at myself, because sadness can be so selfish and dumb. I concluded that happiness is chemicals. Well, I am currently in the middle of my monthly cycle. My hormones are high. My body is preparing for fertilization, and I am content. Anyway, life is arbitrary. Thats all that I can conclude. Here is my poem from that sad day.

It was my confused night,
it was my darkened heart
that led me here,
it was me alone.
They say
that the light of the whole world dies with the sun
and the light of a person dies with love.
I remember the dark outline of the trees at night, in Idaho,
towering and concealing things,
animals, predators, prey.
Fear on earth forgets the stars,
the darkness
means nothing,
where hungry eyes
ever present, watch and follow,
and each person is alone.
and every creature struggles until it dies.

....

5 more hours

Sometimes
life is like
a frozen turkey
and it's thanksgiving
and dinner is 20 minutes away
and everybody is hungry
and nobody knows
I forgot to defrost the turkey
and it won't be done for 5 more hours.

It comes from the west.

"The future occurs at 18.5 miles per second. It comes from the west. The clocks are going the wrong way. Time happens in the opposite direction in the northern hemisphere than the clocks indicate. There is a simple formula that describes the dynamic by which ALL things occur in this universe. Time and gravity are different perceptions of the same force. The words sunrise and sunset are evil and cause much of the confusion in this world. An atom is to matter as a second is to reality. Want the answer to everything? www.galileorealtime.com."

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