I have alot of thougths in my head right now and I want to organize them.
1. First, I am deeply suspicious of this union between google and blogger. WHY? I don't understand it and so I fear it. I already feel uneasy about gmail - those ads in the side bar just freak me out. You write a tortured love letter to someone and a gmail ad suggests self help books. It makes me want to barf. Also, it almost seems like gmail knows my brain. Like, I'll become interested in something - say photography, and then, somehow, slowly, the ads and the spam become photography related. It's fucking EERIE. I don't like it.
2. I sit in the dim light of my apartment and I pick up my laptop, and I scan my usual websites - gmail, myspace, artconspiracy, blogger, salon, postsecret, the onion, news.google.com - and it's odd because, it doesn't take me long to look at all of those sites, and then I feel like I've done everything electronically I can to feel connected and part of the ever-changing ever-moving ever-living world, and yet, I fee disconnected.
3. Why do I hate capitalism? Why do I hate this world? I was watching tv and a commercial came on (after several hours of tv watching) and I clicked the off button of my remote control, then I threw the remote control at the wall and said "I don't want any part of it!" Then my cat jumped off my lap because I scared him. So I'm searching, searching, searching my mind - WHY BLAME CAPITALISM? It was ME who turned on the TV, and it was ME who chose to watch the tv shows and the commercials for hours on end, so it was not captialism's fault, it was mine, mine alone. I have all these wonderful books that I want to read. And I want to build a book shelf! And practice the harmonica. And play frisbee. But what do I do? I TURN ON THE BOOB TUBE. I come home, and I turn on the boob tube. Then I get mad at capitalism and feel alone and hateful towards the predominant culture.
4. Some evidence to consider: I've never liked living in Dallas - but I've lived here most of my life. I liked living in Austin better, but the truth is, I was not significantly happier, healthier or more content there. In fact, I was quite a mess, but maybe those were growing pains?
I've fallen in love with many other places - Salt Lake City, New York City,Idaho and Italy, beautiful Italy. But I think I might just like the newness of a place, because I loved Idaho for the first few weeks that I lived there, then I grew to hate it. But maybe that was because I didn't form any friendships there (why didn't I?) When I was in Utah for only a week I managed to make some friends, and when I was in Italy for a week I also made some friends, and it was really nice. So why so much difficulty finding friends in Dallas, or in Idaho?
OK, I've decided that I must kill the TV, because I clearly do not have will power. I am drawn to the TV like a mosquito to a mosquito-killer-light. This much is clear. Aside from that, its muddy mud!
