December thoughts
Here I am with time, time, and more time, enough $$ to survive on my own, a decent brain, a mostly pain free body, and not a clue what to do with myself! PEACE they say, is not found in the things we have or don't have, but within the self.
Is it possible to have a life that is mostly free of unpleasantness? I know that life is not all fun and games and that frustration, tedious work, and boredom are part of every human's life - but are there different degrees of this? Has anyone figured out how to live say, 70% of the time free of unpleasantness(for example: alex?!?!)? Is it all a head game? Or is there really some better way to live than the way I am living? I spend a good chunk of my time feeling scattered, directionless, nervous, lonely. I am not absorbed in my work. at work i kill time until going home time. Sometimes I think maybe I should try a hypnotist to help me focus even when it is unpleasant.
I guess what I should do is identify the moments I enjoy and the ones I hate, and the sources of joy and stress in my life.
Ok here goes!
Moments I enjoy
-The beginning of a project - the energy enthusiasm, excitement and newness. at the beginning of every hobby i've ever had i've thrown my whole self into it and loved it, then when the newness wears off i forget the hobby like it never existed. this means i'm almost always a novice, at best an average player, never, ever, ever the best and most experienced. with school it was the same - the beginning of the semester saw me fascinated with integrals or pushing electrons, or memorizing parts of cells, then, quickly i would become bored and not care any more. every semster it was the same. it was never different. in the working world, what do ya know, the same thing again - i loved this foam job at first, it was exciting. now a big fat MEH. IS EVERYONE LIKE THIS OR IS IT JU"ST ME?!?!?!?!? I hate it. i want to stick to something. doesn't that bring more joy than this bouncy ball behavior i am so accustomed to? I changed majors like 5 times in college. I clearly need some practice in devotion.
-Closeness with people - laughing with friends, a good hug, a good meal, sharing, caring, that kind of stuff.
-Live music (sometimes)
- a really good poem or story or photograph or artwork
- nature
Moments I hate
- The middle of the project
-CLEANING
-all my dishes are dirty and I'm too lazy to clean anything so I go buy fast food instead of cooking
- living a double life - in particular when i have to lie to cover it up
Sources of stress
- my scattered lazy habits
- lies to my family - thinking of being caught in the lies - i am a secular humanist agnostic (or something!) and they are religious muslims.
- i feel like i am part of an unhealthy culture i hate driving everywhere for everything, the big suburbian sprawl. I don't really like living in Dallas. but thats probably because
- i have no sense of community here - it feels more like a bunch of fragments than a picture. i have work people at work, my family at home, a friend here, a friend there, but there is no continuity. I barely know my neighbors, and they barely know me. you know what dallas is to me? MOSTLY: cars, highways, walmart (there are 4 walmarts within a 5 mile radius of my apartment)and other big business. i drive around and see houses with no faces,stores that look the same as other stores, and roads filled with cars filled with people i will never ever ever know or love.
Sources of joy
-loved ones!
-working hard on something i am interested in - it's been a while - in a word: creating something
OK now to think about theses lists..........
Is it possible to have a life that is mostly free of unpleasantness? I know that life is not all fun and games and that frustration, tedious work, and boredom are part of every human's life - but are there different degrees of this? Has anyone figured out how to live say, 70% of the time free of unpleasantness(for example: alex?!?!)? Is it all a head game? Or is there really some better way to live than the way I am living? I spend a good chunk of my time feeling scattered, directionless, nervous, lonely. I am not absorbed in my work. at work i kill time until going home time. Sometimes I think maybe I should try a hypnotist to help me focus even when it is unpleasant.
I guess what I should do is identify the moments I enjoy and the ones I hate, and the sources of joy and stress in my life.
Ok here goes!
Moments I enjoy
-The beginning of a project - the energy enthusiasm, excitement and newness. at the beginning of every hobby i've ever had i've thrown my whole self into it and loved it, then when the newness wears off i forget the hobby like it never existed. this means i'm almost always a novice, at best an average player, never, ever, ever the best and most experienced. with school it was the same - the beginning of the semester saw me fascinated with integrals or pushing electrons, or memorizing parts of cells, then, quickly i would become bored and not care any more. every semster it was the same. it was never different. in the working world, what do ya know, the same thing again - i loved this foam job at first, it was exciting. now a big fat MEH. IS EVERYONE LIKE THIS OR IS IT JU"ST ME?!?!?!?!? I hate it. i want to stick to something. doesn't that bring more joy than this bouncy ball behavior i am so accustomed to? I changed majors like 5 times in college. I clearly need some practice in devotion.
-Closeness with people - laughing with friends, a good hug, a good meal, sharing, caring, that kind of stuff.
-Live music (sometimes)
- a really good poem or story or photograph or artwork
- nature
Moments I hate
- The middle of the project
-CLEANING
-all my dishes are dirty and I'm too lazy to clean anything so I go buy fast food instead of cooking
- living a double life - in particular when i have to lie to cover it up
Sources of stress
- my scattered lazy habits
- lies to my family - thinking of being caught in the lies - i am a secular humanist agnostic (or something!) and they are religious muslims.
- i feel like i am part of an unhealthy culture i hate driving everywhere for everything, the big suburbian sprawl. I don't really like living in Dallas. but thats probably because
- i have no sense of community here - it feels more like a bunch of fragments than a picture. i have work people at work, my family at home, a friend here, a friend there, but there is no continuity. I barely know my neighbors, and they barely know me. you know what dallas is to me? MOSTLY: cars, highways, walmart (there are 4 walmarts within a 5 mile radius of my apartment)and other big business. i drive around and see houses with no faces,stores that look the same as other stores, and roads filled with cars filled with people i will never ever ever know or love.
Sources of joy
-loved ones!
-working hard on something i am interested in - it's been a while - in a word: creating something
OK now to think about theses lists..........
posted by Xgoose at 4:34 PM
2 Comments:
I know exactly what you mean about the monotony of Dallas, having lived there myself. It is tough to find some real source of community there.
Also, the whole thing about beginning projects but never finishing them is exactly the same with me. It really takes concentration and dedication to get the project finished, being willing to work through the parts that are just drudgery, but it is possible.
Hope you get into happier headspace sooner. Perhaps if you get a chance you can head down to Austin and we can party.
Samia, you know what would make you happy? A guinea pig. Like, taking care of Argy's guinea pig over the break. They're good stress relievers, I guess, and he's furry and he purrs and he turns pellets into poop. I would personally love to, of course, but I hate that stupid guinea pig and you would do a far better job. You _should_ do a far better job.
Check out http://dfwnetmall.com/ecovillage/ ; co-housing's what professional hippies do (as in, hippies who are professionals, not people who have turned being a hippy into a profession), maybe you'd dig it. I know, very well, how you feel about liking the start of a project and not the middle. but the middle's especially hard if you don't have an end you're working for. because then it just goes on forever, middle middle middle, and when you realize that, once the start has worn off and you're all trapped in the middle, that's when it starts to drag. you need an end, then the means will feel more justified.
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